here we are now in the desperate youth & pain,

This sucks.

I hate this more than how much I've hated anyone in my life. I hate this I hate what this is doing to you I hate how much this is hurting you. I hate how much I'm hurting you. & all I can do is sit here and listen silently from the other end of the line, unable to say the words that would make all your pain go away.

This has happened five times. FIVE. Daddy God I know it's my weakness and all, but seriously, five is a tad pushing me ain't it? I guess I've got no one else left to blame and therefore am pointing fingers at You. It is childish of me to try to avoid the almighty Creator, but he is my Father after all. I miss you, Daddy God.

I can say with all confidence that this is the worst of the worst of the worst. Not biasly because I'm facing it now, but because I've never seen anyone else go through so much real pain for me. For what I cannot change about myself. For what makes me who I am.

For three hours just now I forgot everything else and left it aside for awhile. A good friend, a guitar, and music. All that mattered was whether I could reach a higher note or if I was actually on key. "Why do you always like to talk about stuff that keeps people down?" I was challenged. & so I stopped, forgot, laughed, jumped around and sang my heart out.

thank you, if you do read this, by the way. & no I am not being cheesy, I'm too busy being depressed. *makes a face

I leave the side of Singapore I hate the most(the irony), and it's back to reality.

I'm scared, scared to turn 18. Scared of how much my life is changing. We can lie to ourselves all we want, but life is always changing and time doesn't stop for anybody. I don't want that. I don't think I'll like the change that is to come/is happening very much.

I do not want to lose you.